Crybaby

It's been a few days.
I'm officially registered into Taylor's biomedical science course.
It still felt so unrealistic, I don't feel excited nor dissapointed.
But worrying here and there of course. Since when I don't.. Right ? Haha. :/
Dad went with me.
I honestly thought he'd activate his bubbly attitude and comfort me with that smile he used to have all the time.
But no, he had his poker face on.
I was really stabbed internally. I can't help to guess what's on his mind.
He did told me his disagreement on me choosing this course I claimed to not like.
But I stated my reasons maybe a little too rudely.
Since then, we're never on good terms.

I miss my old daddy. The one that gives me a smile and never failed to make my day with just simple words like " if you fail, so what? Worst case is more money paid. No big deal "
I know I sound naive. But that's my dad, or was.

Literally crying a pool now.
Not blaming dad for changing, but blaming myself for being pathetic and disappointing.
Maybe he realized that his daughter is a huge mess, that's why his smile faded.
Well anyone would.

I had my official tryout of driving lesson at the real centre today.
Frankly I really felt like suing my instructor for earning his students' money this way.
The real exam is next Tuesday, and this is me exposed to the real shit today.
To make it worse, he won't give me extra lessons anymore, which means today's the last before exam.
And when things really seem like they can't go anyway further,
I was showed 2 tracks that I was supposed to memorize.
Wow. Just once through the 2 tracks and I'm expected to memorize the paths. What am I? A scanner?!

All in all, I'm shoved the real shit today and I'm having that driving test few days later.
Why am I smelling failure already?
Plus. Mum decided to top up the fees to ensure my passing. Sigh.
I told her a million times that I won't make it.
But screw it. I guess really failing is the only way to prove I'm right.

Nonetheless, I hope I'm wrong about myself.
I really hope God would miraculously guide my hands and the car and the inspector so that everything turns out positive.
As much as I doubt myself, they say a positive mind attracts positive energy.
I still whine. But at the same time, God knows how much I prayed to pass.


I teared up so many times today.
Just an hour ago, I asked dad to bring me on a test-drive.
Well what do you know? He was thoroughly disappointed in me.
I am too. But deep inside I was hoping for some encouraging words. Funny.
Upon reaching home, he asked about my exam. I said the date.
He scoffed, very much obviously, as if he's afraid I'm too confident.
" you better tell mum about your condition. Delay the date " 
" I did. I said I would fail, but she said I have to test my abilities. " 
" you clearly have to learn things from the basic " 
" I have other things too... Like going up the slope, side parking and 3 point turn " 
" I really don't know how are you going to pass that " 
" where got... "
" slope is not as easy as you think " 

Then later on inside the house, dad and mum sort of quarelled. Sort of.
He was like insisting that I have to postpone my exams whereas mum went by saying that I have to take it since its scheduled.
" she has to delay. She really can't. Really really can't "

That was the last phrase I remembered before I closed my room door and teared up.
Crybaby.

I sucked up my tears after a short while.
They're not wrong,I'm sucky in it. Hey I never said I'm a pro.
Are you guys concerned about the extra fees if I fail? Is that it? 
If that's the case you guys are welcomed to take it from my angpaos. 
I won't complain. It's my problem anyway. And the money is from other people. Will that settle everything?!?! 
How I wanted to tell them that.
But no I didn't, I can't.

Sigh.  A moment of serenity please.
God, this is me again. I'm at this junction where I feel so helpless. Again. 
If you're any ordinary human, you would get so annoyed of me. Even my parents are showing it. 
But I know you won't abandon me no matter how much of a failure I am. That's why knowing you is one of the best things, and one of the wisest choice I've made in my entire life. 
As you already know. I'm incredibly worried for my driving test. I can't have you promising me an assured pass. But I still pray that Lord you would guide my hands and take the wheel, not only the car but also the wheel of my life. I may be unsure of the paths, but I know I'm not alone with you looking over me. I truly understand that one has to experience failures at times to appreciate success. As much as I doubt myself, I pray that Lord you help me pass my driving test smoothly too. 
I registered for my uni course. I really can't see my future. It's so dark. I don't know what I'm doing.
But what's done is done. I've paid, so I pray that God you would give me wisdom and confidence to endure the studies and also make great memories out of my university life. 
Lastly, I pray that Lord you help me to put my faith and trust in you. If failing the driving test is a part of your great plans, do give me courage to accept failure and also confidence to do better. 
Whatever it is. I want to say Thank you for everything you've granted me with. And forgive me if I get too over with something. Please help me to be a great person and a living testimony of your love and grace. 
I pray in Jesus Christ and his holy name. AMEN. 

Typed while I prayed.
Felt much better already (:
Cheers for better days!

Support

Usually when something upsetting happens, I used to write in my diary.

To emphasize certain details, I will add up cartoons here and there.

But then the whole writing thing becomes really inconvenient..

Maybe because there are too many negative moments, thus too much writing to do.

So yeah, this is one of the times where blogging is the new writing. 

So anyway,

As the title itself shows, I was pretty much feeling down today.

It's not my hobby to feel negative, incase anyone feels like I'm emo nemo all time.

There must be something, or someone.

Just recently decided to take up this degree course I initially rejected.

Reasons are simple. 

cheaper fees, shorter duration, syllabus generally wide, and I can already work after completing this.

Unlike pharmacy degree that needs 6 years, a bomb kind of fees, competition due to overpopulation and also restriction of the professional roles here, I think this one I'm looking at (Biomed) is alot wiser.

Like I have explained to so many adults, but somehow they never registered my reasons, 

My ultimate aim is to study a science degree close to medicine field, get a job then plan from there onwards.

It looks very mainstream, but people need to know, graduating is one thing, being successful is another. But one step at a time, I need to get my ticket before boarding right.

Was planning to register myself today.

Called up the institution, asked about the details.

It turns out that there are open day activities next week, which means direct advices from the subject lecturers. I wouldn't want to miss that, so next week it is.

Skipped down the stairs happily to tell the 2 adults about my little independent achievemt.

Dad looked at me with that look that says I-think-you-are-not-doing-the-right-thing

" are you sure you don't wanna go sunway?"

" sunway offers biotech, I'm aiming biomedical"

" are you sure..?"

" yes..? Why?!"

" well cause both of these needs great patience since its about lab work"

" I know.. "

" and you're not that kind of person... "

" oh.. But I don't have a choice already "

" what do you mean, you can still choose"

" look dad, I just want to graduate with a science degree. That's all "

So yeah conversation was as such.

I sound like a stubborn gorilla, but I really was offended by how he doubts his daughter.

I know he's trying to change my mind, since I mentioned that biology was my worst subject to learn and lab works are boring.

But I came to the stage where I realize that if I want to graduate and work fast, I have to start studying asap: and I have to like what I don't, that's the only way to help me get what I want.

Yes I'm interested in OB/GYN, but I'm not fully dumb, I know that medicine is no joke and if I enter, I would be the joke!

Anyhow, i felt really depressed.

I know I'm taking a very risky and unlikely path, but mental support would be awesome

Doubting my decisions are just... Like stabbing me slowly

Ugh whatever:

To top it off. 

Dad and I was on my driving practice again, I hated the instructor because he said that I cannot pass the test even with 10 trials. 

Wth?! Plus. Dad says I should have learned auto car.

Omg, what is wrong with him. Can'the give me the support I need? ):

I can handle a manual car too, just wait patiently .ughhhh

Frustrated to the max. Till then!

Ps, sending a friend to Australia later.

I wonder how it feels like. I hope there will be minimum tears all together (:

Maturity

I had my first experience travelling by commuter/train today...
Well not exactly my first, but since I can't recall the previous details..
First it is.
Went all the way to Kuala Lumpur Lowyat Plaza to shop for my friend's boyfriend's gift.
At first I was astonished at her sudden change.
The one I knew would NEVER spend so much on a gift, not when it's about a few hundreds.
But her reason sounds fine.
The guy got her so many expensive gifts, this is the least she can do as a return.
True, or maybe she should just do as I say. Buy some Lacey lingerie lol.
Nahhh impossible, I will slap her myself if she did.

So anyway, got back empty-handed. The gadgets there are fascinating, what more the price.
After asking around and calling up her experienced friends, she decided to buy cheaper similar gadgets back here in Subang.
frankly speaking, I wouldn't be surprise if she can't find any.
I mean, subang rarely has cheap stuffs. It's a very populated city anyway.

As the title said, I am very much upset.
I came home and saw my sister lying leisurely watching tv.
My anger rose when I remembered how she didn't reply my whatsapp and it was an urgent thing!
But of course, she left it upstairs to charge, from yesterday. Just fantastic.
Nonetheless, I saw how she immediately used a cushion to cover her legs.
Reason being she's wearing a skirt without safety pants, plus with that sitting pose, anyone can see her panties colour.
So naturally I began questioning her with a pinch of annoyance and anger.
Hey, who would go all nice and fluffy when your sister is dressing like a whore.
Call me traditional, but I wouldn't respect my sister myself if she behaves like this.

Then tadaa!
Dad butts in. Not like it's the first time. I will get used.

" why do you like to sound like bullying her? "
" but she's wearing like this, and did you see how she instinctually covered and adjusted her position. She knows she's wrong, but she knows I'm gonna know "
" yeah but you are to the point where people feel irritated"
"...never mind"
" you see.. Now you go again:.... "

The story ended with me going upstairs as fast as I could.
I wanted to quarrel back, but thank God I was tired and felt like tolerating.
I don't admit my fault, because clearly I'm not the one wearing a skirt and opening my thighs to welcome public attention. Yes we're at home, but it's a living room.
But no, dad says I'm irritating.
Funny how simple words made me shut up when the usual me have a truckload of reasons to fight back.
Maybe this is what they call being a mature person.
You learn how to care less, talk less, fight less.

I wouldn't be bothered if she's not my sister.
Whores are everywhere, but at least I'm trying to help my sister to Not be one
But I guess not everyone is that conservative as me.
Hmmm who knows, maybe if I get a nice figure in the future, I might wear lesser than ever.

Anyway, I'm affected very much at how I was described.
Irritating. Annoying.
Maybe I really am.
Can't wait till the day that I won't care so much, but no worries, I'm striving there (:

Within my ability

The adults always complained that I'm too dependent on them.

"Why can't you go out and find a job"
" You seriously have to get employed, no more staying at home "

Gosh, it sounds like I am constantly blowing bubbles at home doing absolutely nothing.
There are times when I want to scream at their faces.
But no, I am depending on them.
Their house... their money.. their transport..

Today I made a progress.

They don't know how much I struggled internally on choosing my undergraduate studies.
To them, I am thinking too much, considering things too far, and worrying matters that are out of my reach.
Please, if I didn't commit the "mistakes", I wouldn't find out so many ugly facts in real life.
Those facts are enough for me to change my mind on my initial course.

Now I've decided, and boy I hope this decision lasts long and right.
I am going to register into a Biomedical Science degree soon.
I bet many will be shocked of my decision. Friends, Family..

I want to tell them how much I considered, thought, and researched before I came up with this.
But true, I am entering a field I once rejected like nobody's business.
Plus, Biology is never my favourite or best science to begin with.

However, I pray that God gives me guidance and helping hands through this.
I just want to graduate fast, and maybe from there, I will have a brighter vision of my path.
Cause right now, I can't see anything.
And it's been months. This has to stop, no?

Watching those advertisements on medicine. I do envy them.
Holding that beating heart, or even hearing a person's heartbeat. Fascinating. (:
But one must act within his/her ability.
I can't and won't invest such a fortune and time into something I am not at least half confirmed.
So I guess I will just stick to patient role...
Or maybe I could find a way to get in there after my degree.
Blah, no time to hesitate. No chance to doubt.

I've received so many negative remarks about science courses in online forums.
Funny how people like me choose to do science when it's more difficult and less rewarding as arts.
Questioned myself about entering arts. Nahhh sometimes you need satisfaction in life.
I don't have that much of a passion in doing lab works, but I guess satisfaction will do.

I just want to graduate with a science degree, be successful and get through days.
Why is it so hard? *sighs*