Second Sem Shits

So today was one of the not-so-good days.
Haha, Of course it is, that's why I'm here anyway..

So today I got 2 mid terms papers back.
Yeap, sucks like balls or whatever suckable.
Not even joking. Was literally shocked and frozen on the spot looking at the marks.
That's not even mine. What was I doing?

So apparently I'm the lowest among my peers. Well, I didn't see their scores cause that's not something I would like myself either..
But somehow, after listening to how the speak, I'm quite certain I performed badly this time.

It is horrible.
For instance over 60 marks, I can barely hit the 50 marks line.
AND to top it off, the paper was honestly simple.. I could have scored so much better, could have..

Very devastated right now. Soaked my eyes with tears a moment ago so now I'm just pure sleepy.
But no, with the results like this, I have no time to risk the microbiology test this Friday.

My results this time was out of the world kind of disappointing. This is crazy..
I wonder what was my brain thinking? sending wrong impulses alright..
Or maybe, I just didn't know how to do and thats it..

VERY EXTREMELY HORRIBLY dissapointed with myself.
Not only I scored badly, I scored bad enough to be speechless.
Yes, for me to be speechless, the figures must be hella amazing..

Nonetheless, to the future me,
prioritize yourself and your results. No time to care about sluts and whores!

PS, I know that God has a purpose behind this heartbreak. Just like my failed student exchange opportunity. I really dont know what's going on, but I hope with the hep of time.. One day when I look back, I can give out a sigh of relief...

15 Oct 2014

Scumbag

I decided to write this cause I just remembered something I heard from a friend.
And I felt very betrayed and upset.
Well it doesn't directly involve me, but yeah, I can somehow relate to the story.

So I had this crush back then.
He was nice, sweet, yet distant. But I dared not wish for more...
He would occasionally talk to me or even have physical contacts like a pat on my hand..
Hey that was enough to send me smiling the whole week.

He got himself a girlfriend. A pretty one indeed. She looks nice, so I'm somehow happy for him.
But then recently I found out a truth about him.
It turns out he dated my friend before, and acted like a complete douchebag, hence breaking my friend's heart. It was a low profile relationship, which explains why I was so shocked hearing this.
Then now that he has a girlfriend, his good friend B, got interested in my female friend, who used to be my crush's ex.
B actually asked advices from him, considering he once coupled with my friend.
Hence they got together, but then recently had problems.
How bad is that? I don't know... That girl friend is always keeping things to herself.. So let it be.

What I'm upset about is how my crush, or used-to-be-crush, handled this matter.
First, he courted my friend, broke up, then brought his new girlfriend to show his new found love.
Really??? As low profile as their past relationship was, he should be considerate about my friend!
Considering that they both meet up quite often, he shouldn't just ignore my friend and go all lovey dovey with his new girl. That's just mean!!!!
Second, this B dude got my friend's sympathy and then earned himself a girlfriend thanks to him?
I don't know about anyone else, but I personally think how B got advices from the girl's ex is just inappropriate. It's like saying " hey I'm interested in what you were interested in, can you tell me how to get her ? "  NASTY SCUMBAG.

Okay, maybe what I heard wasn't 100% proven or confirmed,
But I'm glad that I get to know possible sides of my crush.

I used to think he's different, considering how he would approach me and everything he did seemed pleasant and I had to control my nerves so I don't blush like a mad pig.

Oh, plus, since we don't see each other that often already, he had been acting like he didn't know me at all. He totally ignored me ! Hello? What did I do?  Stole your car?

Ughhh whatever, nobody's perfect.
Looking back at my diary, I used to be so close to him.
We don't talk like buddies. But his smile and gestures made me smile.

old times ...

Failed

Had my driving test today.

Can we just spend a moment to meditate before I stab myself mentally on how stupid I was ..?

Apparently I didn't make it.
Didn't manage to drive my car over the hump of the slope test. IT WAS SO CLOSE.
To be honest, I was a tad bit more confident in this compared to side parking and 3 point turn.
I tried like 5-6 times of slope test and I have no problem doing that..
Well not till today -.-
All went well till I was asked to overcome that ONE hump. The moment I let loose of the handbrake..
There goes my car rolling down. Sigh. Disappointed of myself.
To think that parking is worse, I don't know if I can make it for the next time oh boy ):

Nonetheless, I took the other exam, testing on the road skills.
Have to admit, my mum paid extra to get me an easy pass. Sigh, hopeless me.
Well, truth to be told, I passed.
But I'm not proud of it, since I'm pretty sure a strict inspector would fail me in my first few minutes.
I'm not proud. But I'm happy. Hey I passed. Goodness YAY.
Wow I just have to write here about my experience. The beauty of bribery.
I made friends with this 18 years old girl. She didn't bribe for all sections.
And since her turn is way before mine. I get to hear her experience.
It turns out that she just barely continued her path after turning left, when the inspector announced her failure. Reason being her tyres sort of crossover the line marks on the road.
I mean, that's just freaking ridiculous. She's not even that bad and she failed cause her tyres are not perfectly in that tar-covered road. Argh. So pitiful ):
Then it was my turn. Calmed myself as much as possible so I won't fail like that slope test.
Wow, my inspector sure was difference from hers! He was not entirely friendly, but he's nice.
I mean... I can barely remember the path! Plus he practically does all the brakes and instruction-giving job. Oh not to mention, I had so many times where I almost overshoot a certain junction.
Yet, I passed.
I was shocked myself. I don't really know what to feel...
Ashamed ? Well saying no is a big fat lie.
But besides that, I just took a while to absorb the shock how I can still pass with skills like .
Hahah whatever, now I have to retake my slope test and the other 2. Argh.

Mum was encouraging. I think she's afraid that I would cut my wrist or smth.
But no, I'm scared of pain haha.
Dad was moderate. " what happened?? " he asked.
Well honestly I don't know how to answer that nor do I know where to start?
So I just went by saying I don't know why but I just rolled down.

Oh well. Obviously they're disappointed of me.
I am too.. Sigh such an expensive license ):
Idk why my parents would spend so much on to help me pass.. It's almost 1000 bucks!
How long do I need to work to repay their effort.
Such a troublesome daughter hahahaha.

I really the second time will end up as a beautiful blogpost.

Goodnight!!

Contented

Its march already!

The month that I will start my uni life very soon.

There are some regrets actually.

Well before this, my mind was set on later intakes.. Like maybe August or sept..

But then plans changed.

So I'm entering a march intake course. So time isn't on my side anymore.

Since initially I had so many more months to spare, I was leisurely planning on things to do.

Part time jobs, that's for sure.

I always wanted to work in a bakery. Pastries and decorating cakes. Haha.

Oh please, those are for trained ones. Me? Probably the one cleaning or packing breads.

Oh boo. 

Salesperson? I wouldn't mind, but true, I don't really want to get involved in that area.

Plus, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be a good employee. Shyness. Oh boo.

A friend told me once about this volunteering/training position at sunway hospital.

That's one of my dream places to work. Hahah.

That was when I was determined to be an obstetrician. 

Walking from room to room, checking my patients' womb condition, ticking schedules.

Oh such a beautiful dream. Yes dream, cause I won't be that ):

So since then I am very interested to find a job like that.

I didn't make my move the past few months cause well, I had a lot of time back then.

But looking at the date now, it's less than a month till I am stuck with books.

Did my enquiry to clinics opposite my place.

Nope, all rejected my whole part-time-student questions.

Oh well. My bad. Should have got myself a job after cny,,

Hey, I have a solid reason.

My driving lessons have been delayed like mad gorillas.

Well according to that uncle, he's very damn busy with a lot more students.

So yeah. I had very awkward lessons scheduled. Some 2 weeks apart.

Can any beginner remember all the clutch-brake thing after that long? Certainly not me!

Hence I didn't bother asking for vacancies.

What if there is an opportunity, I can't grab it either.

My uncle likes to call me up at night around 10pm, just ton inform me of the lesson the next morning.

Wow, if I'm an employee, how could I explain that to my employer?

Explaining to my uncle? I tried objecting his scheduled and earned myself a deafening complain from him that claims that it's my entirely my fault because I can't cooperate in this whole lesson thing.

Oh don't you just feel like shaving his hair bald and cracking his elbow...?

Had to suppress every nerve in my system to hold back my boiling anger.

Skip that.

Had 2 rounds of practice with dad today.

I'm still upset of how he's so inconsiderate of me.

But I have to brush up my skills. I suck in this. And I'm taking the test on Tuesday,

OMG if I do pass, I'll buy my girls Ice cream. 

Started off roughly. Dad shouted and sighed,

But an optimistic side of me took over today, and things got better.

Not exactly great, but hey I'm getting there.. Close..?

Asked advices from friends who passed.

Sigh, those made me even more worried. But it's nice to get good-luck wishes (:

Speaking about them..

Some of them are probably having fun in a club now :D

They looked amazing from the photos. All dolled up and ready to get guys drooling over them.

Some people are just born with a great look and body with the right curves.

Well too bad, I'm not one of them. Oh well! Hahaha I can live with that I guess :D

So overall. Today I feel contented..? 

Sort of made up with sis today.. We hadn't be talking to each other well for almost a week.

I chose to ignore her clothes purposely while folding because she made a wrong step first. She didn't do her part of the chore. It was a punishment.

It worked better than me screaming and getting unfair treatment from dad.

Now, she does her parts (: I hope it lasts long. 

Plus, she got me something from her field trip today. Was told that it's my belated bday present.
Totally flabbergasted. We barely talked in the past few days.
It costed 20 bucks tho. I guess I'll have to hunt her bday present soon too.
Which reminds me, her birthday is on the 17th of March. Is this sort of like her trick to get me buying her a gift..?
I'll just go with the whole sweet and caring reason. Hehe (:

That's all. goodnight!
And I really hope I pass my driving test. Seriously. It'll be a testimony again.
God did lots of miracles in my life. Hopefully this will be one?
But it's okay Lord, I shall just put my faith in your plans (:

Crybaby

It's been a few days.
I'm officially registered into Taylor's biomedical science course.
It still felt so unrealistic, I don't feel excited nor dissapointed.
But worrying here and there of course. Since when I don't.. Right ? Haha. :/
Dad went with me.
I honestly thought he'd activate his bubbly attitude and comfort me with that smile he used to have all the time.
But no, he had his poker face on.
I was really stabbed internally. I can't help to guess what's on his mind.
He did told me his disagreement on me choosing this course I claimed to not like.
But I stated my reasons maybe a little too rudely.
Since then, we're never on good terms.

I miss my old daddy. The one that gives me a smile and never failed to make my day with just simple words like " if you fail, so what? Worst case is more money paid. No big deal "
I know I sound naive. But that's my dad, or was.

Literally crying a pool now.
Not blaming dad for changing, but blaming myself for being pathetic and disappointing.
Maybe he realized that his daughter is a huge mess, that's why his smile faded.
Well anyone would.

I had my official tryout of driving lesson at the real centre today.
Frankly I really felt like suing my instructor for earning his students' money this way.
The real exam is next Tuesday, and this is me exposed to the real shit today.
To make it worse, he won't give me extra lessons anymore, which means today's the last before exam.
And when things really seem like they can't go anyway further,
I was showed 2 tracks that I was supposed to memorize.
Wow. Just once through the 2 tracks and I'm expected to memorize the paths. What am I? A scanner?!

All in all, I'm shoved the real shit today and I'm having that driving test few days later.
Why am I smelling failure already?
Plus. Mum decided to top up the fees to ensure my passing. Sigh.
I told her a million times that I won't make it.
But screw it. I guess really failing is the only way to prove I'm right.

Nonetheless, I hope I'm wrong about myself.
I really hope God would miraculously guide my hands and the car and the inspector so that everything turns out positive.
As much as I doubt myself, they say a positive mind attracts positive energy.
I still whine. But at the same time, God knows how much I prayed to pass.


I teared up so many times today.
Just an hour ago, I asked dad to bring me on a test-drive.
Well what do you know? He was thoroughly disappointed in me.
I am too. But deep inside I was hoping for some encouraging words. Funny.
Upon reaching home, he asked about my exam. I said the date.
He scoffed, very much obviously, as if he's afraid I'm too confident.
" you better tell mum about your condition. Delay the date " 
" I did. I said I would fail, but she said I have to test my abilities. " 
" you clearly have to learn things from the basic " 
" I have other things too... Like going up the slope, side parking and 3 point turn " 
" I really don't know how are you going to pass that " 
" where got... "
" slope is not as easy as you think " 

Then later on inside the house, dad and mum sort of quarelled. Sort of.
He was like insisting that I have to postpone my exams whereas mum went by saying that I have to take it since its scheduled.
" she has to delay. She really can't. Really really can't "

That was the last phrase I remembered before I closed my room door and teared up.
Crybaby.

I sucked up my tears after a short while.
They're not wrong,I'm sucky in it. Hey I never said I'm a pro.
Are you guys concerned about the extra fees if I fail? Is that it? 
If that's the case you guys are welcomed to take it from my angpaos. 
I won't complain. It's my problem anyway. And the money is from other people. Will that settle everything?!?! 
How I wanted to tell them that.
But no I didn't, I can't.

Sigh.  A moment of serenity please.
God, this is me again. I'm at this junction where I feel so helpless. Again. 
If you're any ordinary human, you would get so annoyed of me. Even my parents are showing it. 
But I know you won't abandon me no matter how much of a failure I am. That's why knowing you is one of the best things, and one of the wisest choice I've made in my entire life. 
As you already know. I'm incredibly worried for my driving test. I can't have you promising me an assured pass. But I still pray that Lord you would guide my hands and take the wheel, not only the car but also the wheel of my life. I may be unsure of the paths, but I know I'm not alone with you looking over me. I truly understand that one has to experience failures at times to appreciate success. As much as I doubt myself, I pray that Lord you help me pass my driving test smoothly too. 
I registered for my uni course. I really can't see my future. It's so dark. I don't know what I'm doing.
But what's done is done. I've paid, so I pray that God you would give me wisdom and confidence to endure the studies and also make great memories out of my university life. 
Lastly, I pray that Lord you help me to put my faith and trust in you. If failing the driving test is a part of your great plans, do give me courage to accept failure and also confidence to do better. 
Whatever it is. I want to say Thank you for everything you've granted me with. And forgive me if I get too over with something. Please help me to be a great person and a living testimony of your love and grace. 
I pray in Jesus Christ and his holy name. AMEN. 

Typed while I prayed.
Felt much better already (:
Cheers for better days!

Support

Usually when something upsetting happens, I used to write in my diary.

To emphasize certain details, I will add up cartoons here and there.

But then the whole writing thing becomes really inconvenient..

Maybe because there are too many negative moments, thus too much writing to do.

So yeah, this is one of the times where blogging is the new writing. 

So anyway,

As the title itself shows, I was pretty much feeling down today.

It's not my hobby to feel negative, incase anyone feels like I'm emo nemo all time.

There must be something, or someone.

Just recently decided to take up this degree course I initially rejected.

Reasons are simple. 

cheaper fees, shorter duration, syllabus generally wide, and I can already work after completing this.

Unlike pharmacy degree that needs 6 years, a bomb kind of fees, competition due to overpopulation and also restriction of the professional roles here, I think this one I'm looking at (Biomed) is alot wiser.

Like I have explained to so many adults, but somehow they never registered my reasons, 

My ultimate aim is to study a science degree close to medicine field, get a job then plan from there onwards.

It looks very mainstream, but people need to know, graduating is one thing, being successful is another. But one step at a time, I need to get my ticket before boarding right.

Was planning to register myself today.

Called up the institution, asked about the details.

It turns out that there are open day activities next week, which means direct advices from the subject lecturers. I wouldn't want to miss that, so next week it is.

Skipped down the stairs happily to tell the 2 adults about my little independent achievemt.

Dad looked at me with that look that says I-think-you-are-not-doing-the-right-thing

" are you sure you don't wanna go sunway?"

" sunway offers biotech, I'm aiming biomedical"

" are you sure..?"

" yes..? Why?!"

" well cause both of these needs great patience since its about lab work"

" I know.. "

" and you're not that kind of person... "

" oh.. But I don't have a choice already "

" what do you mean, you can still choose"

" look dad, I just want to graduate with a science degree. That's all "

So yeah conversation was as such.

I sound like a stubborn gorilla, but I really was offended by how he doubts his daughter.

I know he's trying to change my mind, since I mentioned that biology was my worst subject to learn and lab works are boring.

But I came to the stage where I realize that if I want to graduate and work fast, I have to start studying asap: and I have to like what I don't, that's the only way to help me get what I want.

Yes I'm interested in OB/GYN, but I'm not fully dumb, I know that medicine is no joke and if I enter, I would be the joke!

Anyhow, i felt really depressed.

I know I'm taking a very risky and unlikely path, but mental support would be awesome

Doubting my decisions are just... Like stabbing me slowly

Ugh whatever:

To top it off. 

Dad and I was on my driving practice again, I hated the instructor because he said that I cannot pass the test even with 10 trials. 

Wth?! Plus. Dad says I should have learned auto car.

Omg, what is wrong with him. Can'the give me the support I need? ):

I can handle a manual car too, just wait patiently .ughhhh

Frustrated to the max. Till then!

Ps, sending a friend to Australia later.

I wonder how it feels like. I hope there will be minimum tears all together (:

Maturity

I had my first experience travelling by commuter/train today...
Well not exactly my first, but since I can't recall the previous details..
First it is.
Went all the way to Kuala Lumpur Lowyat Plaza to shop for my friend's boyfriend's gift.
At first I was astonished at her sudden change.
The one I knew would NEVER spend so much on a gift, not when it's about a few hundreds.
But her reason sounds fine.
The guy got her so many expensive gifts, this is the least she can do as a return.
True, or maybe she should just do as I say. Buy some Lacey lingerie lol.
Nahhh impossible, I will slap her myself if she did.

So anyway, got back empty-handed. The gadgets there are fascinating, what more the price.
After asking around and calling up her experienced friends, she decided to buy cheaper similar gadgets back here in Subang.
frankly speaking, I wouldn't be surprise if she can't find any.
I mean, subang rarely has cheap stuffs. It's a very populated city anyway.

As the title said, I am very much upset.
I came home and saw my sister lying leisurely watching tv.
My anger rose when I remembered how she didn't reply my whatsapp and it was an urgent thing!
But of course, she left it upstairs to charge, from yesterday. Just fantastic.
Nonetheless, I saw how she immediately used a cushion to cover her legs.
Reason being she's wearing a skirt without safety pants, plus with that sitting pose, anyone can see her panties colour.
So naturally I began questioning her with a pinch of annoyance and anger.
Hey, who would go all nice and fluffy when your sister is dressing like a whore.
Call me traditional, but I wouldn't respect my sister myself if she behaves like this.

Then tadaa!
Dad butts in. Not like it's the first time. I will get used.

" why do you like to sound like bullying her? "
" but she's wearing like this, and did you see how she instinctually covered and adjusted her position. She knows she's wrong, but she knows I'm gonna know "
" yeah but you are to the point where people feel irritated"
"...never mind"
" you see.. Now you go again:.... "

The story ended with me going upstairs as fast as I could.
I wanted to quarrel back, but thank God I was tired and felt like tolerating.
I don't admit my fault, because clearly I'm not the one wearing a skirt and opening my thighs to welcome public attention. Yes we're at home, but it's a living room.
But no, dad says I'm irritating.
Funny how simple words made me shut up when the usual me have a truckload of reasons to fight back.
Maybe this is what they call being a mature person.
You learn how to care less, talk less, fight less.

I wouldn't be bothered if she's not my sister.
Whores are everywhere, but at least I'm trying to help my sister to Not be one
But I guess not everyone is that conservative as me.
Hmmm who knows, maybe if I get a nice figure in the future, I might wear lesser than ever.

Anyway, I'm affected very much at how I was described.
Irritating. Annoying.
Maybe I really am.
Can't wait till the day that I won't care so much, but no worries, I'm striving there (: