Crybaby

It's been a few days.
I'm officially registered into Taylor's biomedical science course.
It still felt so unrealistic, I don't feel excited nor dissapointed.
But worrying here and there of course. Since when I don't.. Right ? Haha. :/
Dad went with me.
I honestly thought he'd activate his bubbly attitude and comfort me with that smile he used to have all the time.
But no, he had his poker face on.
I was really stabbed internally. I can't help to guess what's on his mind.
He did told me his disagreement on me choosing this course I claimed to not like.
But I stated my reasons maybe a little too rudely.
Since then, we're never on good terms.

I miss my old daddy. The one that gives me a smile and never failed to make my day with just simple words like " if you fail, so what? Worst case is more money paid. No big deal "
I know I sound naive. But that's my dad, or was.

Literally crying a pool now.
Not blaming dad for changing, but blaming myself for being pathetic and disappointing.
Maybe he realized that his daughter is a huge mess, that's why his smile faded.
Well anyone would.

I had my official tryout of driving lesson at the real centre today.
Frankly I really felt like suing my instructor for earning his students' money this way.
The real exam is next Tuesday, and this is me exposed to the real shit today.
To make it worse, he won't give me extra lessons anymore, which means today's the last before exam.
And when things really seem like they can't go anyway further,
I was showed 2 tracks that I was supposed to memorize.
Wow. Just once through the 2 tracks and I'm expected to memorize the paths. What am I? A scanner?!

All in all, I'm shoved the real shit today and I'm having that driving test few days later.
Why am I smelling failure already?
Plus. Mum decided to top up the fees to ensure my passing. Sigh.
I told her a million times that I won't make it.
But screw it. I guess really failing is the only way to prove I'm right.

Nonetheless, I hope I'm wrong about myself.
I really hope God would miraculously guide my hands and the car and the inspector so that everything turns out positive.
As much as I doubt myself, they say a positive mind attracts positive energy.
I still whine. But at the same time, God knows how much I prayed to pass.


I teared up so many times today.
Just an hour ago, I asked dad to bring me on a test-drive.
Well what do you know? He was thoroughly disappointed in me.
I am too. But deep inside I was hoping for some encouraging words. Funny.
Upon reaching home, he asked about my exam. I said the date.
He scoffed, very much obviously, as if he's afraid I'm too confident.
" you better tell mum about your condition. Delay the date " 
" I did. I said I would fail, but she said I have to test my abilities. " 
" you clearly have to learn things from the basic " 
" I have other things too... Like going up the slope, side parking and 3 point turn " 
" I really don't know how are you going to pass that " 
" where got... "
" slope is not as easy as you think " 

Then later on inside the house, dad and mum sort of quarelled. Sort of.
He was like insisting that I have to postpone my exams whereas mum went by saying that I have to take it since its scheduled.
" she has to delay. She really can't. Really really can't "

That was the last phrase I remembered before I closed my room door and teared up.
Crybaby.

I sucked up my tears after a short while.
They're not wrong,I'm sucky in it. Hey I never said I'm a pro.
Are you guys concerned about the extra fees if I fail? Is that it? 
If that's the case you guys are welcomed to take it from my angpaos. 
I won't complain. It's my problem anyway. And the money is from other people. Will that settle everything?!?! 
How I wanted to tell them that.
But no I didn't, I can't.

Sigh.  A moment of serenity please.
God, this is me again. I'm at this junction where I feel so helpless. Again. 
If you're any ordinary human, you would get so annoyed of me. Even my parents are showing it. 
But I know you won't abandon me no matter how much of a failure I am. That's why knowing you is one of the best things, and one of the wisest choice I've made in my entire life. 
As you already know. I'm incredibly worried for my driving test. I can't have you promising me an assured pass. But I still pray that Lord you would guide my hands and take the wheel, not only the car but also the wheel of my life. I may be unsure of the paths, but I know I'm not alone with you looking over me. I truly understand that one has to experience failures at times to appreciate success. As much as I doubt myself, I pray that Lord you help me pass my driving test smoothly too. 
I registered for my uni course. I really can't see my future. It's so dark. I don't know what I'm doing.
But what's done is done. I've paid, so I pray that God you would give me wisdom and confidence to endure the studies and also make great memories out of my university life. 
Lastly, I pray that Lord you help me to put my faith and trust in you. If failing the driving test is a part of your great plans, do give me courage to accept failure and also confidence to do better. 
Whatever it is. I want to say Thank you for everything you've granted me with. And forgive me if I get too over with something. Please help me to be a great person and a living testimony of your love and grace. 
I pray in Jesus Christ and his holy name. AMEN. 

Typed while I prayed.
Felt much better already (:
Cheers for better days!